For Old Times Sake
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 19, 2002
I am currently going through a divorce, and we've been negotiating the terms of the settlement for a year and a half without agreement. I have started a relationship with another woman, but I'm in a saddening, irresponsible situation that was mischievously planned by the ex.
About four months ago I went to the ex's to pick up our two young children. She begged me to have sex with her one last time, and she swore she would leave me alone forever if I did this. She desperately begged, begged, and begged.
I told her it was over. I told her it didn't make any sense. But I was a stupid irresponsible idiot and gave into her, thinking I would get rid of her once and for all. Right after, I knew I'd made another stupid mistake.
About a month later, in an odd and happy manner, she told me she was pregnant. Under the circumstances I thought she should be devastated. I'm angry because I know she planned this to make me go back to her. That couldn't be further from what I want.
Outside of this incident, I hadn't touched her in over a year. This mistake happened only because I wanted her to leave me alone forever as she promised. I know I'm partly to blame because no one put a gun to my head. If this child is mine, I will pay for my legal responsibilities.
Anyway, I want to grow in my relationship with this other woman. I have known her for six years, and we connect on all levels. But I've lost her trust. She wants to be with me, but she is having a difficult time in getting through this and I don't blame her.
Teddy, begging for sex one last time for old time's sake sounds suspiciously like something a man would say. It is not in a woman's repertoire. An alarm should have gone off in your head, the one that says the world has suddenly turned upside down.
Even in a situation which was totally unreal you acted like a caveman. The last thing you are going to get from a woman who begs for unprotected sex one last time is left alone. Revenge, pay backs, and blackmail maybe. But left alone? Never.
You ignored the alarms about your wife, and you ignored the alarms about ruining your new relationship. I understand why your girlfriend has a problem with this. The story itself sounds like a male fantasy.
Your girlfriend put herself in an emotionally vulnerable situation because she didn't wait until you were divorced before getting so deeply involved. What makes it doubly worse for her is that, because of your children, she has no guarantee you won't be "begged" again by your wife.
This isn't going to end for her. Because of your children, she can't tell you never to see that woman again. Your girlfriend may very well decide this is not something she is going to be able to endure. It's for her to decide. You showed a lack of character. This is really about doing the right thing in each moment.
Doing The Math
My boyfriend purchased a house three years ago for $380,000. He put $20,000 down. He plans to refinance for $400,000. He plans an addition to the house for $50,000. How much should I pay to become equal partner?
Cornelia, this sounds like one of those algebra word problems I could never solve. If John is twice as old as Ted, and Roberto is five years older than John, how old is Ted's twin, Chris?
Algebra always confused me, but in this case I think I know the answer. Buying a home with a boyfriend usually turns into a legal problem . Until your status is more permanent, find another way to invest in real estate.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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